how do I spell postpartum psychosis???

.... I had my baby girl at 1:02 am on August the 15th 2006 .. she was 10 lbs 2 oz .. Yup, I just said 10 lbs.... lol... and I didn't really feel anything for her yet...I was just hoping to finally get some sleep.. only having about two hours of sleep I was told to go to the NICU to breastfeed my baby... I was like what? are you kidding me?? I was told I would feel emotional after the process so I thought nothing of it...crying in the shower, feeling alone, in a lot of pain.. and after all that I was told her arm was damaged at birth (now I know how they got her out)...she had nerve damage called brachial plexus. I was told she could regain movement with therapy or she might need surgery... ?? I wanted to crawl in my bed and never wake up!... I was feeling nothing for her and felt like I was going crazy... I'm going to fast forward a bit.... drove all the way home...and went straight to bed! Gilles took care of Kaydee the first few nights... I couldn't ..and every time I herd her cry I wanted to cry right along with her.... I went to see the doctor twice and was told to wait this could be just the baby blues... OK?? then I was sitting in my living room... Kaydee crying on my shoulder... alone.... looking out the window..and thought to myself... would she stop crying if I smashed her into the floor ??? and then I pictured myself doing it! I called a nurse and told her what I was about to do...she said bundle her up and come right down to the ER.. so I did...thank gawd! they took her away and let me lay down and sleep... I could hear her cry so I shut the door... I was slipping away. the doctor came in to see me and he asked me allot of questions.... and let me know I had postpartum psychosis and also to let me know what the laws in Ontario were.... meaning I would have to be 'placed' and Kaydee would have to be cared for by Gilles and caregivers when he was at work... even though in my mind I didn't want her and really didn't want anything to do with her I said to the doctor...I need a phone and I need to call New Brunswick right away! ...I called my mother and I was on the next flight home... Gilles had to fly with us because I couldn't be alone with Kaydee. Three months later her arm was better and getting very strong... soon after she had full movement and strength. The road was long and at many times very scary....but a year later I was much better ...off all my meds...and falling more in love with my angel every second of everyday!

The Horror Story..

Finally the day was here.....so I thought!...
Day one of labor inducement... the doctor put a gel inside me and asked me to go back home (hotel) and to come back in he morning ( the gel is for the softening and dilation of the cervix)... I was in pain all night and only had about 2 hours of sleep... day two-... the doctor decided to add more gel and sent me home with no pain meds.... even more pain and not much sleep.... day three- .. balloon dilation... the balloon was inserted and then blown up to about 4 cm to help me dilate... he also tried to break my water but had no luck.. then sent me home again...with no meds...I was tired and in a whole lot of pain! I was getting annoyed, to put it lightly!
Day 4- Drip Drip Drip from 10:00 am to 11:00 pm.... nothing but a whole bunch of pain... by this time I was like what the hell?....sent me back ....yes I was sent away again.... and back on the drip in the morning....no sleep..........
Day 5-... here comes the real pain.... back on the IV drip... and another doctor decided to try to break my water again....oh did she ever.... and I quickly dilated up to about 7 cm...so we all thought OK... day 5 better be la day!
the pain started to go from my front to my back....and the contractions were getting closer and closer...I had to lay on my side... they were getting so close and so painful and I didn't have a break in between them....so I was holding on the the bed rail....breathing screaming and shaking...mom said I almost ripped the rail right off....OK TIME FOR MY EPIDURAL!!!! .....I never, I mean NEVER felt that kind of pain in my life!..... my mother and husband had to leave....when they came back they said...ummm what did you do with the crazy lady in pain....lmao.. OK they were lucky I was feeling wayyy better!
OK now I started to push.... and from what the nurse told me I was doing a great job....push.....push....pushing?? ... then the doctor came in and noticed a little meconium ..that means lets get this baby out!... push push and more pushing but her head was going back up... more than usual....so he decided to try using the forceps...that didn't work... NOW WE STARTED TO PANIC.. I was getting tired...and the doctor called in a few more nurses..and he wanted the end of the bed off now!..It was not coming off..IT WAS STUCK..so my husband ripped it off and threw it in the hallway....then I herd something.....I herd my baby cry, a muffled cry? ..and I asked my husband and mom and they said they herd it too.... I don't know what happened to me but I lost all my strength..and I had the doctor yelling at me....I then grabbed Gilles shirt and said WHATS HAPPENING??? but they pulled him away....I had a nurse pushing on my stomach...one yelling at me to push for my baby...and another one almost sitting on my chest trying to get her out??? and all I could do was try to push....but I had no strength and I couldn't breath??? I was just looking at the wall??? finally they got her out...not sure how?? but she wasn't breathing....they finally got her brething but had to take her away and Gilles asked me if he could go too...I said sure...I don't care??? I looked at her and said meh??? and in my mind I said...whatever she isn't mine.........

are we done yet?...

All ready...packed...set to go to Thunder Bay to have my little girl.. My step-dad drove me down (he was working in Manitouwadge also) and dropped me off alone at a hotel.. I hate being alone.. :(
so a week went by and Gilles arrived..HAPPY!... we went to see a new doctor and got all set up at the hospital... two weeks passed by and I was huge.. wait I have a pic.
LOL
anyways I was a week late and told my doctor...I was a big baby.....I think we need to start things a rollin very soon.... she is getting to big... but rules are rules and I wasn't two weeks late yet!.... My mother flew up from New Brunswick...and my step father was with us also...four weeks in a hotel...ugh!
the last week I saw the doctor everyday....we were tired... annoyed... I was getting very uncomfortable with her legs in my ribs!!! ..... so I said to myself ..today better be the day!!! ........

..did you feel her kick??

So all I can say is I loved loved loved being pregnant!....every second was awesome and exciting... four years of trying and wanting to be a mom since I was a teenager.. finally! ... so Gilles and I moved to Manitouwadge Ontario (middle of no where, in la sticks) ..we moved for work.. pregnancy went well... I was eating well...loosing weight and gaining a clone. I have a video of her heart beat that I will try to upload. Not to long in my pregnancy I found out I had to travel 4 1\2 hours to Thunder Bay two weeks before my due date to have my baby. SHITTY NEWS! anyways... I found out what I was having....he was pretty sure like very sure of what he told me.... I wanted a girl and Gilles wanted a boy...but really we wanted a healthy boy or girl. when he told me I was having a girl.... I was shocked and so happy! everyone was happy... I knew I was going to name her Kaydee and her two middle names are my mothers and grandmothers name :)....things were very good...we were very happy!

The begining...

Well you know those people who can write a book about their past and what they went through....well I'm one of them...
But, maybe I will get into that mess later on... another time another blog....
lets fast forward a bit and get to the year 2000.. the year I met the funniest guy I have ever met! well I met him and we started living together about a month later... his name is Gilles and I married him two years after we met...(in 2002) Gawd I love that guy! we knew we both wanted to have children...sooo we started trying right away. Four long years past by and I was not preggers yet :(
well it was fun trying...lol...but we were kind of thinking maybe its not written in the stars for us??? maybe it wouldn't be so bad being just the two of us??? I could have the ranch I wanted with a horse or two....Gilles could spend all his extra cash on video games ...lol.. nope didn't sound to bad?
I was on my way back to my home town in Bathurst and Gilles was going to take a mining course in Ontario.... we would be apart for 6 weeks ... I missed him so much!
well make a long story short...I couldn't eat meat, started getting car sick all the time, shrimp made me vomit (I love shrimp)....anyways....Gilles came home to me.....thank gawd.... and I wanted to take the preggie test in the AM... but I got the double test box..so i took one right away.... it was positive.... I ran into the room screaming...its positive Gilles???? he said let me see.. he couldn't believe it....we stayed up all night crying,, talking,,,wondering if it could be true?...
I took the other test in the AM and again positive... and a week later ish I called my doctor and he confirmed ...I WAS PREGGERS!!!! finally I never have to have sex with my hubby ever again....lol...just kidding!!!

lets get started?

I really have no clue what Im doing here..... started reading a few blogs while checking out some questions on a Lap-Band discussion forum and thought to myself.... this could be a way to do something for myself?? for ten years I have been a wife (married for 7 together for 10) and for three years I have been a mother.... so I havent had any ME time in a very long time..... A year ago I started my pre-op process...and well ...I have been told a few times since then ...That I really need to take time for myself... to start taking care of myself and my health. so Im thinking a few blogs will be about me.....my past and what brought me to this point in my life.... and then after my surgery (Im hoping January 2010) I will use this blog to write about my journey.... and if anyone would like to read along that would be fine. :D